The Consequences of Perfectionism

Perfectionism – After 60 years of trying to live up to the idea that I need to do things better, faster, quieter, prettier, and yes even “funner”, I have decided to take that idea and throw it away. Perfectionism does not bring me joy, it gives me a reason to think that I am less than, that I will never live up to mine or anyone else’s expectations.

Perfectionism and comparison go together. I think it’s easy to measure ourselves based on someone else’s standards. We see picture perfect people and homes and closets and bodies on social media, and we think we must live up to that. But #1 – a lot of that isn’t real or isn’t as it seems and #2 – I guarantee that most of those people are trying to live up to someone else. It’s human nature to compare and to crave. But you never know what someone else is going through. You never know what they wish they had. You might be jealous of someone else or trying to look as perfect as someone else, but I promise you they don’t think they’re perfect. 

If you are comparing yourself to others or trying to reflect an outer appearance of perfection, whether in real life or on social media, it’s time to give yourself a break. NO ONE is perfect. Everyone’s definition of perfection is different. You are trying to live up to impossible standards that don’t exist.

If you’re constantly striving toward perfection, then it may lead to an array of mental health problems. But there are steps you can take to help you learn to improve your overall well-being.

Jason Drake, a licensed clinical social worker, stated that “in order to overcome or manage perfectionism, you need to become aware of your thoughts and behaviors around your perfectionism”.

Perfectionism is often linked to depression and anxiety and can lead to great frustration, fear, and self- sabotage. When the pressure gets really intense, it can even lead to a paralyzing fear of failure. I’m not talking about the drive and need to excel-because there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’m talking about the constant need to control the outcome of every possible situation.

To my great frustration, my perfectionism has the opposite of the desired effect: I become worse at what I what I do. I am no longer able to be flexible, experimental, and curious. I notice that when my perfectionist tendencies are at their strongest, my creativity doesn’t flow, and I can’t show up in my relationships the way I want to. When my perfectionism feels extra strong, I self-sabotage by just not showing up at all. I choose the disappointment of what could have been over the potential pain of being confronted with my own shortcomings.

The difference between healthy self-reflection and perfectionism feels very clear to me. When my perfectionist tendencies show up, my body becomes tense, my breathing shallow, and my thoughts scattered. I want to immediately go and fix things and drop whatever else I was doing in that moment. Perfectionism can be seen as a positive force for improvement and progress, but it does not come from a positive place. It is a fear-based approach, and underneath it lies a fear that if we are not perfect at what we set out to do, we are not good enough. And because we set the standards impossibly high for ourselves, we will probably not live up to them. Underneath it lies a fear of criticism, not just from others but mostly from us. When someone finds fault in what we do, that is the confirmation of what we feared all along: that we simply are not good enough at what we care about the most.

While, for some people, perfectionism brings them great success in their career, it often comes with a high cost. It can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and burnout. The intense pressure we put on ourselvescan rob us of our joy and peace.

With all of that said I realize that that these are lessons we all need to learn for ourselves. My hope is that give each other the permission to show ourselves love and kindness and grace and be ourselves withall our beautiful imperfections.

Navigating Substance Use During the Holiday Season

The holiday season can bring with it a mix of emotions and unique challenges, especially when it comes to managing substance use. Parties, family gatherings, and even solo traditions can stir up emotions or stress that lead to increased drinking or use of other substances. If you’re someone navigating these pressures, you’re not alone. Let’s explore some mindful approaches to support you through this season.

Understand Your Triggers

Holidays bring out a variety of emotional triggers—some joyful, others more complex. These triggers could be tied to family dynamics, expectations, loneliness, or loss. Reflect on the people, places, and events that may heighten your urge to use substances. Knowing your triggers ahead of time allows you to prepare for them with tools like grounding exercises, and self-care routines that will help you stay grounded or increase insight into those you should avoid.

Set Realistic Goals for Yourself

Set realistic, attainable goals that feel manageable and take into consideration your goals around your relationship with substances. If total abstinence is your goal, create a plan that will support that, such as enlisting accountability partners or having an exit strategy for gatherings that might test your limits. If you’re aiming to cut back, decide in advance what amounts your comfortable with or when you'll call it a night. Setting smaller goals helps make each step achievable, giving you a sense of control rather than rigidity, which often results in overindulgence, rather than intentionality.

Have a Support System in Place

Your support system is invaluable, especially during high-stress times like the holidays. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or recovery group, share your intentions and concerns with those who can provide nonjudgmental support. Having someone you trust on standby—someone who can check in with you during or after events—can reinforce your resolve and make it easier to stick to your goals.

Find Non-Substance-Related Ways to Celebrate

Think about incorporating some new traditions or self-care practices that don’t involve substances. Maybe it’s a morning walk before or after a big meal, a new recipe to try, or a substance-free treat that you love. These practices can help you stay connected to the true meaning of the holiday season and give you something to look forward to that won’t disrupt your progress.

Prepare Responses to Social Pressure

Social situations can often be tricky, especially if friends or family aren’t aware of your goals. Prepare a few polite, but firm, responses if someone offers you a drink or other substances. A simple, “I’m taking it easy this season,” or “I’ve got an early morning,” can be all you need to divert the pressure. Being prepared with something you’re comfortable saying can increase the likelihood that pressures or temptations will not sway you. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation beyond what feels comfortable.

Practice Self-Compassion

No journey is perfect, and if you find yourself encountering setbacks, don’t be too hard on yourself. Recognize that setbacks are a normal part of change and growth. Use these moments as opportunities to reflect on what you could do differently next time and forgive yourself with compassion. Take it one day at a time, and give yourself credit for each positive step forward.

Reach Out for Help if You Need It

The holidays are an emotional time, but they don’t have to disrupt your journey to a healthier relationship with substances. Embrace the season as an opportunity to grow, reflect, and celebrate the positive steps you’re making. You are stronger than you think, and with the right strategies, you can navigate this time with confidence and grace.

If the holiday season feels overwhelming and you’re struggling to stay on track, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. Therapists, recovery coaches, and support groups are there to guide you through challenging moments and provide tools to help you succeed.

If you need support navigating your relationship with substances or the challenges of the holiday season, our team of caring therapists would be honored to help you in your journey.

Get Started with Bridger Peaks Counseling Today

Navigating the holidays while managing substance use can be challenging, but you don’t have to do it alone. Our addiction therapists are here to support you with personalized tools and strategies to help you stay on track with your goals. Start your journey toward a healthier, more balanced relationship with substances today. Let’s work together to make this season one of growth and resilience. Follow the steps below to get started:

1. Make an appointment online

2. Meet with one of our professional Bozeman therapists

3. Learn how our addiction therapy can help you thrive during this holiday season!

Additional Services We Offer in Bozeman & Missoula, MT

At Bridger Peaks Counseling, we’re dedicated to offering a diverse range of mental health services to support your unique needs. Our therapists provide teen counseling, group therapy, Rising Strong workshops, and body image counseling. We also offer specialized care for depression, grief and loss, and online therapy options. Other services include EMDR, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, and psychiatric care.

Map Making for Healthy Love

Building a healthy relationship is no easy feat. It requires effort, patience, understanding, and an ongoing commitment from both partners. Dr. John Gottman remains one of the prominent figures in relationship research. Gottman's work, spanning over four decades, provides valuable insights into what makes relationships thrive and, conversely, what leads to their breakdown. His findings offer us clear principles for fostering healthy, lasting partnerships.

By standing on the shoulders of giants, here are some key insights I can offer to consider for your own relationship: 

1. Build a Strong "Love Map"

One of the foundational aspects of a healthy relationship, according to Gottman, is maintaining a strong "love map." A love map refers to the deep understanding partners have of each other’s inner worlds, such as their dreams, goals, fears, and experiences. It's about knowing your partner’s likes and dislikes, their stresses, their joys, and the intricate details of their life.

Couples with a strong love map are more likely to weather challenges because they feel more connected and understood. Gottman’s research suggests that couples who regularly ask questions about each other’s emotional worlds and stay curious about one another develop a stronger emotional connection. Simple questions like "How was your day?" or "What's been on your mind lately?" go a long way in maintaining this bond. Ask away, and make sure you’re pausing to really listen. We live in the mundane details. 

Tip: Make time to check in with your partner regularly, whether through daily conversations or setting aside time each week for deeper talks. This not only strengthens emotional intimacy but also fosters a sense of security and trust in the relationship.

2. Foster a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

According to Gottman, one of the greatest predictors of relationship success is the ratio of positive to negative interactions. In healthy relationships, this ratio is at least 5:1—meaning that for every negative interaction (such as a disagreement, criticism, or undue control), there are five positive ones (such as compliments, expressions of affection, or shared laughter).

Gottman emphasizes the importance of fostering a "culture of appreciation" in relationships. Couples who regularly express gratitude and affection, and who acknowledge each other's strengths and contributions, are more likely to feel satisfied and supported in their relationship. Even small gestures of appreciation can have a profound impact.

Tip: Practice expressing appreciation regularly. Make it a habit to acknowledge what you value in your partner, whether it’s thanking them for taking care of a task, complimenting their strengths, or simply expressing how much they mean to you.

3. Turn Toward Each Other, Not Away

In his research, Gottman found that couples who "turn toward" each other during moments of stress or need are far more likely to stay together than those who turn away. Turning toward your partner means responding to their bids for attention, support, or connection with empathy and engagement. For instance, if your partner reaches out for comfort or shares a worry, turning toward them would involve actively listening and offering support rather than dismissing or ignoring their feelings.

This principle speaks to the importance of emotional responsiveness in a relationship. When partners consistently turn toward each other, they build trust, emotional intimacy, and a sense of security. On the other hand, when partners turn away—either by ignoring or reacting negatively—they risk creating emotional distance and resentment. 

Tip: Be mindful of your partner's bids for connection, and respond with care. Whether it’s a casual comment or a deep emotional disclosure, make an effort to show that you’re engaged and willing to be there for them. If your partner does not seem willing to be vulnerable, focus effort on points 1 and 2, and see what happens. 

4. Manage Conflict Effectively

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how couples manage conflict is a key predictor of relationship success or failure. Gottman identifies four behaviors, which he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," that can doom a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These behaviors, when present over time, erode the foundation of a relationship and lead to disconnection.

In contrast, healthy couples practice constructive conflict resolution. This includes using "soft startups" (approaching a problem with gentleness rather than blame), taking responsibility for one's actions, expressing feelings without attacking the other person, and being willing to compromise. Importantly, successful couples also make time to repair after conflict, which means taking steps to restore connection and understanding.

Tip: When conflicts arise, try to stay calm and avoid the Four Horsemen behaviors. Focus on expressing your own feelings and needs without blaming your partner, and be open to finding a solution that works for both of you. Use I-focused statements such as “Spending time together is really important to me. When that doesn't happen, I feel disconnected from you.” 

5. Shared Meaning and Common Goals

A thriving relationship is not just about emotional connection, but also about shared values, goals, and dreams. Couples who create a shared sense of meaning—whether through family traditions, shared interests, or long-term life goals—are more likely to feel deeply bonded. This sense of shared purpose gives partners a feeling of working as a team toward a common future, which strengthens their commitment and connection.

Tip: Take time to discuss your values, dreams, and long-term goals with your partner. Whether it’s planning a future together or finding activities that bring you both joy, cultivating shared meaning can enhance your relationship.

Closing Thoughts from a Marriage Counselor in Bozeman, MT

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, emotional responsiveness, and effective conflict management. Dr. John Gottman’s research provides a roadmap for how couples can foster these elements and create a relationship that stands the test of time. By building strong love maps, cultivating appreciation, turning toward each other, managing conflict constructively, and creating shared meaning, couples can enhance their connection and build a lasting partnership.

As you navigate your relationship, remember that these principles take time and effort to develop. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work to strengthen your bond, and know that with intention and care, you can build a relationship that thrives. If this feels out of reach, or you need extra support in exploring this connection, reach out to a mental health professional at Bridger Peaks Counseling to build more skills for your emotional toolbox. 

Strengthen Your Connection with Couples Therapy in Bozeman, MT

Building a healthy, thriving relationship is possible with the right tools and support. If you and your partner are ready to strengthen your connection, manage conflict more effectively, or simply foster a deeper sense of shared meaning, Bridger Peaks Counseling is here to help. Our compassionate therapists are trained to guide couples through challenges and create lasting change.

1. Reach out to us here.

2. Learn more about our team at Bridger Peaks Counseling.

3. Discover how our couples counseling can help support your relationship.

Additional Services We Offer in Bozeman & Missoula, MT

At Bridger Peaks Counseling, we’re dedicated to offering a diverse range of mental health services to support your unique needs. Our compassionate team provides addiction counseling, teen counseling, group therapy, Rising Strong workshops, and body image counseling. We also offer specialized care for depression, grief and loss, and online therapy options. Other services include EMDR, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, and psychiatric care.

Information interpreted from the following source: 

Gottman, J., Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. United States: Harmony/Rodale.

The Link Between Anxiety and Perfectionism: When Doing It All Becomes Too Much

Many people feel the pressure to be perfect, whether in their work, relationships, or daily tasks. While aiming for high standards can sometimes lead to success, it can also create an unmanageable burden. Perfectionism often goes hand in hand with anxiety, turning everyday challenges into sources of stress. The constant worry about making mistakes or not measuring up can leave you feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Think about it: when was the last time you felt like you needed to achieve the perfect outcome in a project or a social situation? Maybe you spent hours preparing for a presentation, worried about every little detail. Or perhaps you hesitated to share your ideas in a meeting because you feared they weren’t good enough. These feelings are more common than you might think.

In this blog, we’ll explore the link between anxiety and perfectionism, how striving for an unattainable ideal can impact your well-being, and what steps you can take to find a healthier balance in your life. Let’s dive into understanding perfectionism better and uncover its effects on our mental health!

Understanding Perfectionism and Anxiety

Perfectionism is a mindset where individuals strive for flawlessness in everything they do. People with perfectionistic tendencies often feel that they must meet unrealistically high standards in their work, relationships, and even personal goals. They may think that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. This can lead to constant self-criticism, anxiety, and a fear of failure.

There are different types of perfectionism, each with its unique features:

Self-Oriented Perfectionism. This type involves setting extremely high standards for oneself. People with this mindset often push themselves hard, believing that they must achieve perfection to be worthy of success or happiness. They may struggle with feelings of inadequacy when they don’t meet their own expectations.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism. This form of perfectionism comes from the belief that others expect them to be perfect. This could be pressure from family, friends, or societal standards. Individuals may feel that they must constantly prove themselves to earn approval or avoid disappointment.

Other-Oriented Perfectionism. This type involves expecting perfection from others. These individuals may have high demands for their friends, family, or colleagues, believing that everyone should meet the same standards they set for themselves. This can lead to conflicts in relationships and increased stress for everyone involved.

How Perfectionism Fuels Anxiety

When perfectionists set these unrealistically high standards, it often leads to anxiety. The fear of making mistakes or not achieving the desired outcome can create a constant sense of worry. This anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms, like restlessness or tension, making it even harder to focus or enjoy life. Instead of feeling motivated by their goals, perfectionists can become trapped in a cycle of stress and self-doubt.

Here’s how it often works:

• Setting Unrealistic Standards. Perfectionists begin by setting extremely high standards for themselves. They might create a long list of tasks that they feel must be completed perfectly.

• Fear of Mistakes. When they begin working toward these goals, the fear of making mistakes looms large. This fear can lead to anxiety, causing them to second-guess their abilities or decisions.

• Avoidance. To cope with this anxiety, perfectionists might avoid situations where they feel they might fail. This could mean skipping out on activities that they usually enjoy, like social gatherings or hobbies, because they fear not performing perfectly.

• Procrastination. The pressure to achieve perfection can also lead to procrastination. Instead of starting a task, they may put it off until they feel ready, which often never happens. This delay can increase anxiety as deadlines approach.

• Self-Criticism. Once the task is completed, perfectionists often focus on what went wrong rather than celebrating their accomplishments. They might think about the small mistakes they made instead of recognizing the effort they put in.

This cycle continues, leading to more anxiety and a sense of inadequacy. Perfectionists often find themselves trapped in a loop where their desire for perfection only heightens their feelings of anxiety, making it challenging to enjoy life or feel satisfied with their efforts.

The Benefits of Bozeman Therapy in Addressing Perfectionism and Anxiety

Anxiety therapy can be a helpful resource for those struggling with perfectionism and anxiety. It offers a safe space to explore feelings and thoughts. One of the first steps in therapy is understanding the roots of perfectionism. At Bozeman Counseling Practice, our anxiety therapists can help you look into past experiences and family influences.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is especially useful for changing negative thought patterns. Our Bozeman therapists can guide you in challenging unrealistic beliefs about success and failure. They can help you reframe your thinking, which reduces the pressure you put on yourself and lowers anxiety levels. Therapy also provides effective coping strategies, such as mindfulness techniques and relaxation exercises.

Embracing Imperfection: A Path to Reducing Anxiety

Are you ready to break free from the grip of perfectionism and find a healthier balance in your life? You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Consider reaching out to an anxiety therapist at Bozeman Counseling who can help you understand the roots of your perfectionism and guide you toward a more compassionate mindset. With the right support, you can learn to celebrate your accomplishments and embrace the beauty of imperfection.

1. Reach out to us here.

2. Learn more about anxiety and perfectionism by exploring our blogs.

3. Cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself and reduce anxiety.

Additional Services We Offer in Bozeman & Missoula, MT

At Bridger Peaks Counseling, we’re dedicated to offering a diverse range of mental health services to support your unique needs. Our compassionate team provides addiction counseling, teen counseling, group therapy, Rising Strong workshops, and body image counseling. We also offer specialized care for depression, grief and loss, and online therapy options. Other services include EMDR, postpartum anxiety and depression counseling, marriage counseling, and psychiatric care.