Perfectionism – After 60 years of trying to live up to the idea that I need to do things better, faster, quieter, prettier, and yes even “funner”, I have decided to take that idea and throw it away. Perfectionism does not bring me joy, it gives me a reason to think that I am less than, that I will never live up to mine or anyone else’s expectations.

Perfectionism and comparison go together. I think it’s easy to measure ourselves based on someone else’s standards. We see picture perfect people and homes and closets and bodies on social media, and we think we must live up to that. But #1 – a lot of that isn’t real or isn’t as it seems and #2 – I guarantee that most of those people are trying to live up to someone else. It’s human nature to compare and to crave. But you never know what someone else is going through. You never know what they wish they had. You might be jealous of someone else or trying to look as perfect as someone else, but I promise you they don’t think they’re perfect. 

If you are comparing yourself to others or trying to reflect an outer appearance of perfection, whether in real life or on social media, it’s time to give yourself a break. NO ONE is perfect. Everyone’s definition of perfection is different. You are trying to live up to impossible standards that don’t exist.

If you’re constantly striving toward perfection, then it may lead to an array of mental health problems. But there are steps you can take to help you learn to improve your overall well-being.

Jason Drake, a licensed clinical social worker, stated that “in order to overcome or manage perfectionism, you need to become aware of your thoughts and behaviors around your perfectionism”.

Perfectionism is often linked to depression and anxiety and can lead to great frustration, fear, and self- sabotage. When the pressure gets really intense, it can even lead to a paralyzing fear of failure. I’m not talking about the drive and need to excel-because there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’m talking about the constant need to control the outcome of every possible situation.

To my great frustration, my perfectionism has the opposite of the desired effect: I become worse at what I what I do. I am no longer able to be flexible, experimental, and curious. I notice that when my perfectionist tendencies are at their strongest, my creativity doesn’t flow, and I can’t show up in my relationships the way I want to. When my perfectionism feels extra strong, I self-sabotage by just not showing up at all. I choose the disappointment of what could have been over the potential pain of being confronted with my own shortcomings.

The difference between healthy self-reflection and perfectionism feels very clear to me. When my perfectionist tendencies show up, my body becomes tense, my breathing shallow, and my thoughts scattered. I want to immediately go and fix things and drop whatever else I was doing in that moment. Perfectionism can be seen as a positive force for improvement and progress, but it does not come from a positive place. It is a fear-based approach, and underneath it lies a fear that if we are not perfect at what we set out to do, we are not good enough. And because we set the standards impossibly high for ourselves, we will probably not live up to them. Underneath it lies a fear of criticism, not just from others but mostly from us. When someone finds fault in what we do, that is the confirmation of what we feared all along: that we simply are not good enough at what we care about the most.

While, for some people, perfectionism brings them great success in their career, it often comes with a high cost. It can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and burnout. The intense pressure we put on ourselvescan rob us of our joy and peace.

With all of that said I realize that that these are lessons we all need to learn for ourselves. My hope is that give each other the permission to show ourselves love and kindness and grace and be ourselves withall our beautiful imperfections.